I was a junior in undergrad when I first decided to set significant time aside for Holy Week. I attended my first Maundy Thursday communion, a Good Friday service, an Easter Vigil, and a sunrise service on Easter itself.
I was at what I consider my religious high point during undergrad, and since then my fervor has mellowed. Though I have known religious information and seen things I would deem miraculous, I am loathe to admit that I’ve never… felt anything religious. Time allowed me to see more aches and pains of other people, to see some of the pains caused by the church and those who consider themselves God’s people, and to understand more of my relationship with both my God and my church. Yet I never feel anything, just see it and interpret it through my own logic.
Though, as many point out, faith isn’t about knowing. My only real recourse toward knowing God is fated to difficulty and is full of nonsense. Some things I know from science and living don’t quite match up with what I am taught in church. Learning more serves to accentuate these divides.
The efforts I’ve made since college have not served to increase my faithfulness, and doubt is unfortunately something that churches are pathetically terrible at talking about. Complete faithfulness that does not waver is expected here in the South, and any religious concerns I wish to talk about can be easily batted away with the socially damning, ‘Does that mean you don’t believe?’
While a lot of the time it’s hard for me to have a deeply religious experience, Easter has always been a time when I can dig in and find truth in my faith. I can consider God’s actions as they are and more easily strip some of the sordid details humans have wrapped his story in. To me, Easter brings a moment when all the cloudy confusion of church, humans, and hypocrisy crumble away. It is a time when my thoughts are their most genuine and I can reach out to God most fully.
Recently, I have been making posts on Sundays, but this week, I will be abstaining. Regardless of your faith (or lack of one), I hope you can appreciate my need to meditate on faith and take a break from the blogosphere. The little dopamine hits one gets with every like or view will not serve me this weekend.
If you have ever struggled with doubt, regardless of your beliefs, know that you are not alone, and it’s ok. I choose to believe that doubt is the norm, whereas continual faith is extraordinary. If you are irreleigious or areligious, it’s ok to wonder if you’re wrong and if there is a deific being. Feel free to leave comments below about your journey, or if you’d like to have a conversation, either about writing or faith.
May you have a peaceful Easter Weekend.