The Truth About Santa’s Elves

Santa Elf

Peppermint Jolly finished soldering the knockoff iPad’s connections. He put the iron down so as to rest his bleeding and blistered hands, then placed his creation into the “finished” basket. He took a moment to breathe, to let his hands shake while the popped blisters seeped liquid.

But the overseer – a burly elf who’d earned the nickname Bad Figgy – caught Peppermint Jolly on this unapproved break. He strode over, broadening his shoulders and filling out his lederhosen. “What you doing, boy? Did Santa say you could stop?”

Peppermint Jolly shut his eyes tightly, expecting a punch or a slap. “Sir, my hands are bleeding, sir. I don’t want to ruin the product by dripping in them-”

“These products aren’t real iPads. They’re going to China, where everything is ripped off and broken anyway. We only buy the real ones for the kids who’ll know better. Now get back to work or I’ll put you on chemical weapons duty next year.” Bad Figgy boxed Peppermint Jolly’s ears, causing him to wince, then went off to whip up on the next electronics worker who slacked off.

Peppermint Jolly picked up the soldering iron despite the agonizing boils and wounds. He didn’t want to go on chemical weapons duty ever again – his lungs still hadn’t recovered from last time, and the sales of black market goods only made money that went toward the purchase of gifts like the real iPads or DRM intact materials.

But it was Christmas Eve. Praise God – the next day was Christmas, the one day of the year that the elves could rest. The one day of the year none of the females would be forced into reproducing, the one day of the year the forced labor would stop, the one day the overseers wouldn’t beat a slave for eating too much or slacking off.

But Peppermint Jolly knew the cycle would just start up again. While the next Christmas season was still a ways off, he’d be put on drone duty, soldering and building the electronic pieces used in military drones to sell to terrorists. He was also smart, so Santa could choose anytime now to force him into a living arrangement with a fertile female. He could whip them both if results didn’t happen.

And there was no escape. The magic barrier was impenetrable, and none of the humans besides Master Kringle could see inside.

Could he handle another year? Could Peppermint Jolly make it through more of this madness?

“Fuck you, Santa,” he said. He turned the iron to his neck and pierced the jugular as quick as he could.


This Christmas, think of the people and elves who make the presents you purchase. There are real kids in the Congo who are forced to dig cobalt for batteries, real people in Bangladesh and India who work harrowing hours in hazardous conditions for your soft goods. Many of us can’t afford gifts otherwise, but if you have the option, consider looking into what you purchase and try to incorporate the least slave labor you can.

Also, boycott Santa. Don’t let that asshole come down your chimney. Don’t pay that slave-owning piece of shit with milk and cookies. We’re better than this.

Image by SilviaP_Design from Pixabay

15 thoughts on “The Truth About Santa’s Elves

  1. Violet Lentz says:

    Are you planning on calling chapter two, The Button Pushing Santa? Hahaha!! Oh I loved this. I am not a hater of the holiday in and of itself, but as a card carrying minimalist, I so agree with the sentiment here. Buy used is my motto! Well… Everything accept electronics….and just in case your wondering, No. I am not above laundering and wearing someone else’s gently used under ware…Seasons Greetings my friend! Looking forward to tempting your sense of decency with even more salaciousness in 2020! XXOO

    • H.R.R. Gorman says:

      Chapter 2 will be about Santa’s investigation into the death of Peppermint Jolly. He will talk with Bad Figgy about the situation and find that the foreman didn’t keep close enough eye on the elves. Bad Figgy will be put in the taffy puller until his entrails have been spewed, and a new foreman will be chosen. Peppermint Jolly’s family will be separated into different sections of the North Pole so they can’t gather over their dead relative’s protest. Other slaves/elves will be told similar fates await them and their families if they fight.

  2. joanne the geek says:

    A good reminder at this time of year that a lot of products we buy are made from virtual slave labour in the Third World. That’s capitalism for you: produce goods for next to nothing in poor countries and sell them with big markups for people in the West. It’s the billionaires that are profiting from this while turning our world to trash…

    Poor Peppermint Jolly 😥

    • H.R.R. Gorman says:

      Yeah… I feel bad about it, but then I see American-Made pants that have traceable creation often cost something like $200 and I can’t do that. Even if I could afford it, the vast majority of people couldn’t.

      • Jules says:

        I haven’t bought a new pair of dungarees in years… I get mine at the charity shops…
        very few ‘things’ I actually get ‘new’. Though I know folks who would gladly pay that $200 for some name brand. Ugh!

  3. Jules says:

    I like the original stories of St. Nick who helped the poor by leaving baskets of food at their door…
    One thing to also remember is that most children’s movies and shows have the toys already manufactured before the movie comes out! And the commercials that say buy a car for the holidays – you only have to have five years or more to pay it off. Or all the jewelry, really I think I’d rather have good quality family time! But I might be part grump at heart because I just despise most commercials anyway…

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