An Ode to Giant Turds

the end text on tissue paper

This was written for the final Terrible Poetry Contest, a morbid lament about something long gone. I had to pull out something truly terrible that rhymed, and this – this is my final chance at victory!

Those who are faint of heart may turn away, but there is nothing truly offensive below. Just quite foul.


Look how ye curl
Above the water’s surface
You big, sassy turd, source of my pride.

Rare is the whorl
Which rises enough to lance
Through soft, golden expanse, brave height.

But now, brown pearl,
I must take the flushing stance
And send you away, unforgotten but affright.

Thou doth swirl
In a porcelain water-dance
Amidst ribbons and twills of white.

Gone! Flushed, hurled!
My mind is blown, in a trance,
That I couldn’t share your largess and might.

The joy of my innards
When you escaped by chance
During a bowel movement after midnight!

I’ll never unfurl
Our secret toilet stance
That created you, the biggest turd of my life.


Yes, this was about the sadness one feels when flushing a turd so big you kind of feel proud.

Photo by Markus Spiske on

34 thoughts on “An Ode to Giant Turds

  1. crispina kemp says:

    I’m not going to say I enjoyed it… certainly not as much as you did. And all the way through I was reminded of a friend’s account. She’d not long started a new job, was still in that anxious state about *spending a penny* at work. Well, what she saw in that pan was more than a cheap tuppence worth. She likened it to a conger eel, occupying and staining the bottom.
    But, to return to your doings… a terrible poem indeed. 🙂

  2. Alexander Elliott says:

    Ack! Tis excremental poetry at it’s best. I, too, have seen the mother of all turds, but fear not for the plunger standeth by to embrace both porcelain and poo. This was most fowl, H., and I would spritz the air freshener at thee.

  3. Jules says:

    Hmmm what happens in the WC stays in the WC?

    What is it with humans anyway? 😉 I remember a family I knew who had triplets. At one point the only thing in their room was the three cribs and the changing table. They discovered they could remove their diapers and fling ’em… instant wall art!

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