This was written for the final Terrible Poetry Contest, a morbid lament about something long gone. I had to pull out something truly terrible that rhymed, and this – this is my final chance at victory!
Those who are faint of heart may turn away, but there is nothing truly offensive below. Just quite foul.
Look how ye curl
Above the water’s surface
You big, sassy turd, source of my pride.
Rare is the whorl
Which rises enough to lance
Through soft, golden expanse, brave height.
But now, brown pearl,
I must take the flushing stance
And send you away, unforgotten but affright.
Thou doth swirl
In a porcelain water-dance
Amidst ribbons and twills of white.
Gone! Flushed, hurled!
My mind is blown, in a trance,
That I couldn’t share your largess and might.
The joy of my innards
When you escaped by chance
During a bowel movement after midnight!
I’ll never unfurl
Our secret toilet stance
That created you, the biggest turd of my life.
Yes, this was about the sadness one feels when flushing a turd so big you kind of feel proud.
Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com
34 thoughts on “An Ode to Giant Turds”
I’m not going to say I enjoyed it… certainly not as much as you did. And all the way through I was reminded of a friend’s account. She’d not long started a new job, was still in that anxious state about *spending a penny* at work. Well, what she saw in that pan was more than a cheap tuppence worth. She likened it to a conger eel, occupying and staining the bottom.
But, to return to your doings… a terrible poem indeed. 🙂
If you want to read more epic accounts of over-the-top poops, https://www.amazon.com/review/R3FTHSH0UNRHOH
One a day is enough! 🙂
This is so terrible but extremely funny! LOL
I had to pull out all the stops/buttplugs today – if this is the last Terrible Poetry Contest, I need to make sure it’s my absolute worst work!
Ack! Tis excremental poetry at it’s best. I, too, have seen the mother of all turds, but fear not for the plunger standeth by to embrace both porcelain and poo. This was most fowl, H., and I would spritz the air freshener at thee.
Haha, air fresheners. One year, my mother-in-law got us this thing called “poo pourri” that you sprayed in the toilet. It made this oily film on the top of the water such that poop stench couldn’t escape. I didn’t want to use it because oil tends to be bad for sewers and drains…
With a turd that size, it would rise above the water anyway. Remind me again why we’re even talking about this…
Because I wrote a poem about turds
Yes, yes, but WHY?? Have you been locked up at home too long? Have you flipped your toilet lid? See – now you’ve got me doing it!
There’s a contest, and this is my last chance to win it. The goal is to write the worst poem possible (in both form and function).
I know that you goose! I was just messing with you. Your’re awfully brave (or perhaps reckless) to have participated in the first place. I willing to laugh at it, but wouldn’t have been guts enough to put it out there for all the world to see!
Haha – my filters may be a little off. I think I look at my blog as something very few people will look at, and any attention is good attention these days!
This poem just stinks, and I feel that my chances of winning the final Terrible Poetry contest have been flushed away, plungering me into deep despair… lol
I’ve not won one yet, so if tradition holds, I’ll still just be a floater!
Agh! Terrible puns now!
I’m good at them sometimes
This is brilliantly awful, H. A magnificent effort.
Hmmm what happens in the WC stays in the WC?
What is it with humans anyway? 😉 I remember a family I knew who had triplets. At one point the only thing in their room was the three cribs and the changing table. They discovered they could remove their diapers and fling ’em… instant wall art!
Oh my goodness! That’s a horrifying experience. Lucky it wasn’t you, eh?
I think I was lucky enough… though one (if willing) grows into parenthood even with or especially because of the challenges presented. And I have had my share! 😉
OMG. You have to win with this one. Lol.
“Thou doth swirl
In a porcelain water-dance
Amidst ribbons and twills of white.”
Ha ha ha ha. So poetic. What a riot. Well done!
Haha, thanks! I let the significant other read it, and now my fear is that it was too “well written” even if it’s just a crappy poem at heart. 🙂
Crappy, indeed! *rimshots*
It was so lovely. And such a great juxtaposition of wonderful verse and awful subject.
Yeah; I showed this to my therapist (to prove that I didn’t always write well), and they said, “Uh, it’s a beautiful poem, just also terrible” and I was like, “Damn, going to lose I guess.”
My favorite one I ever wrote for the contest was the Zodiac Killer one about Ted Cruz and written in middle English to make fun of Chaucer.
You definitely went above and beyond with that one!
What a shitty poem – and I mean that in the best possible way I can. Hahahaha… 🙂 Gave me a good chuckle.
I intended for anyone who read this to have a shitty time.
Ugh ugh ugh… so terrible. 😀 You were definitely a finalist.
Lol, thank you!