So, I’m way, way hotter than this spider. I have beautiful locks of blond, and she’s bald. I play football, and I guess she’s some kind of athletic freak.
In fact, I remember this one time, maybe the first time I saw her. I was on the field at the time, radiant night lights beaming down holy incandescence upon my brow. I happened to look into the stands while the defense was going out onto the field.
There she was – a beautiful, black haired beauty. A small scar went across her forehead, but she had plenty of points from other places. Slender waist, quickly blossoming boobs, childbearing hips. A bit younger than me and probably concerned with purity enough that I couldn’t touch her.
Then, it hit me. Like a bag of bricks, my stomach fell into the pit of my stomach.
Not all girls are cheerleaders.
How could this be?! There was clearly a girl in the stands, watching the game. How had I not noticed this pool of beauties before?! There was more fish in the sea, and I hadn’t been doing my due diligence. I would need to expand my search for the best mate to cheat on. My girlfriend at the time would have to wait and see if she was the best later.
Oh, also, that beautiful girl in the stands was cheering next to a giant spider. I remember that, because the beautiful girl seemed to talk to the animal like it was a person.
Anyway, I took off my helmet. Sweat rolled down my nose like blood from a warrior’s face. I was dripping with manly power, and I-