#CountVlad – FDA Approval Process

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

it is official that red tape and bureacracy is garbage.

tons of people are clamoring for me to start offering my patented process [H.R.R. Gorman edit: To understand this sentence, you may want to read the count’s last post about inventing vampiric liposuction]. many can’t afford to get fat freezing done. why just do an internet search for cryoablation clinics near you and you’ll see where all the rich people live in your town.

this is a vital service i’m providing for the cheap cheap price of blood and cash. how dare these people say it takes months or years for new procedures to get approval.

well at least they’re letting me start clinical trials. the problem is i have to come up with a way to ensure the procedure’s safety and i’m not sure what they mean by that.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

Advertisements

#CountVlad – Fat Freezing

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

it has been a long time since i last wrote a blog post, but i have had good reason to wait.

last time i talked with you, i talked about wal mart and what a terrible place that was. i talked about how tons of people walked around with extra fat on them.

what i didn’t want to share at the time was that i have officially found a solution to your distinctly first world problems. h.r.r. gorman was listening to the radio on the way back to the lair, and i heard an ad for a company that freezes fat to kill it. i assume you poop the dead fat out because the fat freezing artists don’t cut the blubber away, but still. people pay to get rid of fat.

so i set out to try this capitalism nonsense you people reek of. first i made a couple back-alley deals to get human research subjects. you’d be surprised, or maybe you wouldn’t, with how many mortals are willing to let you bite them if you suck the fat out for free.

and the best part is that fat must necessarily come with some blood. i was worried about that at first, but it turns out i get plentiful payment along with my service.

so now im looking to patent my process and get fda approval. you can’t blame me for trying to get money as well as blood, can you.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Wal Mart

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

the other day i went to this place called wal-mart.

i learned so much.

first off, i found out that despite all your smart gadgets and things that make you modern humans formidable, you’re mostly idiots.  you bumble around these tiny aisle pushing stupid looking wagons and filling them with boxes of fattening goodies.  humans used to be a noble race of hunting warriors.  now you get your venison from a bag with nearly no effort.  you have grown weak after all your winters of living cozily in your warm boxes with freely available food.

i’m also told that walmart is like the kings of my age.  the all-powerful sam walton rents out his lands to lesser nobles who then force the serfs to work for their survival.  it is indeed a good scheme and one i can support, but there is a problem.  at least my serfs had just enough food to survive but workers at this walmart can’t.  all your regulations make it so people can’t buy subpar rat meat to survive off of – everything has to be ‘quality’ or ‘safe’ or ‘edible.’  this makes everything so needlessly expensive.  anyway, because of this, the poor people buy the crappiest food they can at their walmart and get fat because their bodies can’t process such bad calories.

and once people get fat, these days, they apparently hate it and get depressed.  i’ll have you all know, however, that i’ve never seen so many beautiful, buxom women who look so wealthy.  if i had seen so much blubbery ladies when i was back in transylvania, i would have started taxing my people harder because it’s obvious they could stand to starve.

but i’m beginning to think about this problem seriously.  there is definitely a solution, and i believe i may be onto something…

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – On Hospitals

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

one thing you humans have perfected since i went in my ensorceled crypt is hospitals.  i recently went to a hospital in order to inspect this place where humans now willingly give blood to people

what a wonderful, marvelous place.  i have never been a fan of capitalism since i’m a monarchy man  myself but the utter pain and misery seen in these places is astounding.  you very effectively concentrate the area in which humans die.  i like how you can smell blood in certain wards and how they store it so neatly and effectively.

how do i get one of those blood storage compartments for myself i wonder.  and how do i get people to send me blood in those bags.  i think modern technology has made it such that i can effectively drink from people without killing them which is unfortunate but might allow me greater range and freedom in the world.

however there were some awful things at the hospital that were also driven by capitalism.  there was a guy with a cross around his neck who said he was a chaplain.  when i asked him what in the blue blazes a chaplain was doing at such a godless science place as a hospital he said it was to help assuage people with dead loved ones.  what horse hockey.  now i know the hospital is religiously protected and i can’t make any of those raids i was planning.  you sick bastards.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Apostrophes

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i wanted to announce that last week i made a major discovery.  on my keyboard next to the paragraph maker button is the apostrophe button.  now i can say things like don’t or like can’t or i can get possessive.

speaking of possessive i am actually quite morose at this moment.  so far i have been confined by hrr gorman’s presence here at this house but next week is the american chemical society conference.  i will be left to my own devices at the house with only the cretin mutt and h’s spouse to contend with.  without all the pesky interference i will be able to perform my own rituals and take possession of the house and all its contents.  the neighbors’ cats breed too much anyway so it should be rather easy to complete the spell.

then we’ll see if they can control the temperature in the house once i own it.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Attempt at Poetry

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i have seen on one of the blogs i follow that april is going to be poetry month.  i am a couple hundred years out of practice with poetry so i thought i would start with the terrible poetry contest.  this week the theme is unrequited love.

i apologize for some slant rhymes im out of practice.  also i dont know how to make capital letters on the computer so please help.

 

though you grew up on some farms
how could i resist your charms?

you may be only nineteen
and i five hundred thirteen

but thats fine with me you see
because im not so picky.

ill kill that doctor you love
and wear his skin like a glove.

then youll love me forever
no betrayal whatsoever.

***

You can see above that Dracula doesn’t know how to do capital letters, so you can bet your bottom dollar that he isn’t going to understand hyperlinks.  This was his response to the Chelsea Owens Terrible Poetry Contest #14, Unrequited love.

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – On Video Games

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

one of the most amazing things you mortal sacks of flesh and blood have invented since i awakened from my ensorceled crypt is video technology.  i remember being stunned by movies and wondering how mortals had summoned the magic to create them.  then video games were introduced to me and i was stunned.  through a crystal screen you can interact with another dimension, not just watch and rewatch alternate events.

so i asked if i could participate and hrr gorman said i was going to be bad at it at first.  i was tasked with beating the game portal and told that i could take my time learning controls.

let me tell you first about portal.  you possess the body of an otherworldly woman named chell which is a terrible name.  a sacred goddess from above directs you to solve puzzles.

i love this goddess.  i must beat this game so that i can seek her castle and meet her.  she may be separated from me by a crystal screen but her cruelty and intense personality.  i hope she is not a vampire so that i can turn her and gain her everlasting gratitude.  however i have no real hope that this is true because none of you fleshbags have such intense cruelty within you.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Lent

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

in case some of you dont know about it lent started this past wednesday.  let me tell you lent is the worst.  why would you ever give up something you enjoy?  there is nothing important enough to give up something that makes you happy.  take me for example i would never give up bloodsucking or murder.

people do lent for the purpose of praising their god which also upsets me.  you should have learned this at christmas time.  anyway i think lent and the practice of lent is silly so here is what im going to do instead.

i promise that i will be equally as vicious now as i have always been.  i promise that i wont let any vampire hunters get me and put me back in an ensorceled crypt because that was the worst.  to sexykitten53 i would like to say that while i will not bathe in glitter i guess i can try out some of that essential oil stuff you like.  i will eventually drink the blood of my neighbors dog even if it gives me gas because that vermin will never shut its mouth.

please do not do lent.  you will die but before you do you will look back on your life and realize you wasted so much of it sacrificing your fun.  so be like me and it wont matter if you have no morals and nobody loves you.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Taxes and the IRS

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

recently i have seen many americans doing their taxes.  i was very disappointed when i realized this involved a lot less physical carting off to prison and rampant violence against tax collectors but i suppose you instead inflict a different kind of pain on your constituents.

i decided to evaluate your new kind of blood tax by helping hrr gorman with tax forms.  soon i realized that the difficulty in the tax forms includes a two pronged approach of complex instructions and promise of legal reprisal upon doing it incorrectly.  while your irs promises not to care about it as long as they get their money it does confer a lot of stress upon the taxpayer.  i like that.

however no blood was spilled the entire time hrr gorman and family filled out the tax forms.  no one in the entire neighborhood had to sacrifice a firstborn and as far as i know zero people were accosted.  what a low percentage of actual reprisal.  if your irs is as full of vampires and bloodsuckers as you say then they are doing a terrible job.  if i worked for the irs a lot more blood would be sent to me in lieu of payment.

in the end i decided your tax system is terrible.  f-.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – On Humidity

dracula-1226357_640

i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

this past week i experienced something called a heat wave.  it got up to 80 degrees on thursday and that was very weird for february.  im used to transylvania weather where it is cold much longer.

but what i really didnt expect was the humidity.

sure, my skin is nice now, but my lungs feel like they are drowning.  its like breathing in soup.  ive heard that this area of the world becomes like soup every summer and im not sure thats going to be doable.

i can also hear frogs ribbitting from these drainage ponds and the incessant noise is killing me.  the birds thousands and thousands of birds chirp all morning and try to wake me from my beauty sleep.  i have mentioned before that summer is already hard in its own merit but now i think its going to become insufferable.

please send me some dessicant and a dehumidifier.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+.