#CountVlad – On Video Games

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i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

one of the most amazing things you mortal sacks of flesh and blood have invented since i awakened from my ensorceled crypt is video technology.  i remember being stunned by movies and wondering how mortals had summoned the magic to create them.  then video games were introduced to me and i was stunned.  through a crystal screen you can interact with another dimension, not just watch and rewatch alternate events.

so i asked if i could participate and hrr gorman said i was going to be bad at it at first.  i was tasked with beating the game portal and told that i could take my time learning controls.

let me tell you first about portal.  you possess the body of an otherworldly woman named chell which is a terrible name.  a sacred goddess from above directs you to solve puzzles.

i love this goddess.  i must beat this game so that i can seek her castle and meet her.  she may be separated from me by a crystal screen but her cruelty and intense personality.  i hope she is not a vampire so that i can turn her and gain her everlasting gratitude.  however i have no real hope that this is true because none of you fleshbags have such intense cruelty within you.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

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#CountVlad – Lent

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i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

in case some of you dont know about it lent started this past wednesday.  let me tell you lent is the worst.  why would you ever give up something you enjoy?  there is nothing important enough to give up something that makes you happy.  take me for example i would never give up bloodsucking or murder.

people do lent for the purpose of praising their god which also upsets me.  you should have learned this at christmas time.  anyway i think lent and the practice of lent is silly so here is what im going to do instead.

i promise that i will be equally as vicious now as i have always been.  i promise that i wont let any vampire hunters get me and put me back in an ensorceled crypt because that was the worst.  to sexykitten53 i would like to say that while i will not bathe in glitter i guess i can try out some of that essential oil stuff you like.  i will eventually drink the blood of my neighbors dog even if it gives me gas because that vermin will never shut its mouth.

please do not do lent.  you will die but before you do you will look back on your life and realize you wasted so much of it sacrificing your fun.  so be like me and it wont matter if you have no morals and nobody loves you.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Taxes and the IRS

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

recently i have seen many americans doing their taxes.  i was very disappointed when i realized this involved a lot less physical carting off to prison and rampant violence against tax collectors but i suppose you instead inflict a different kind of pain on your constituents.

i decided to evaluate your new kind of blood tax by helping hrr gorman with tax forms.  soon i realized that the difficulty in the tax forms includes a two pronged approach of complex instructions and promise of legal reprisal upon doing it incorrectly.  while your irs promises not to care about it as long as they get their money it does confer a lot of stress upon the taxpayer.  i like that.

however no blood was spilled the entire time hrr gorman and family filled out the tax forms.  no one in the entire neighborhood had to sacrifice a firstborn and as far as i know zero people were accosted.  what a low percentage of actual reprisal.  if your irs is as full of vampires and bloodsuckers as you say then they are doing a terrible job.  if i worked for the irs a lot more blood would be sent to me in lieu of payment.

in the end i decided your tax system is terrible.  f-.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – On Humidity

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

this past week i experienced something called a heat wave.  it got up to 80 degrees on thursday and that was very weird for february.  im used to transylvania weather where it is cold much longer.

but what i really didnt expect was the humidity.

sure, my skin is nice now, but my lungs feel like they are drowning.  its like breathing in soup.  ive heard that this area of the world becomes like soup every summer and im not sure thats going to be doable.

i can also hear frogs ribbitting from these drainage ponds and the incessant noise is killing me.  the birds thousands and thousands of birds chirp all morning and try to wake me from my beauty sleep.  i have mentioned before that summer is already hard in its own merit but now i think its going to become insufferable.

please send me some dessicant and a dehumidifier.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Cursed Tags!

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i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i was reading a blog and saw that everyone who read it was tagged.  im not sure what that means but in order to avoid a curse i thought this was the safest and easiest course.

(Note from H.R.R. Gorman: the tag was on Wide-eyed Wandering Spoonie’s site.  It didn’t take much searching for me to figure out where Vlad’s questions were from, and I’m not one to just let him plagiarize.)

  1. Name a moment in your life when you felt you were most courageous.

when i returned to wallachia after my exile and regained my crown.  the subsequent purge of those who murdered my father and brother was necessary and i needed to make sure my reign was supreme and eternal. that was a very courageous act.

  1. If you had to choose only one breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, which one would it be?

probably none of them because solid foods make me feel funny. beer comes from grain right?  maybe beer should count as a cereal for this question.

  1. When have you felt the most scared?

when i called upon the witch erzebet to gain the power to drink blood and become immortal.  she could have betrayed me and made it so that blood poisoned me or that i would die slow, thirsty, and bad.  but i suppose holding her infant son hostage until i knew it worked was a good plan and i shouldnt have been scared.  in order to make sure she couldnt undo the spell i impaled her for witchcraft after.

  1. If you could sing like any musical artist, who would you choose?

there was an ottoman bard named devrim who served in my court.  i liked his singing and often felt jealous until i cut off his tongue.  so him probably.

5. Do you collect anything?

i used to have a collection of baby skulls but i think someone got rid of it while i was in my ensorceled crypt.

i hope i did this tag right.  i suppose i am supposed to tag people but instead i will promise to end any witch who comes after me for ending the tag.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – On the Finer Points of Vampiric Reproduction

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i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

many times i have received email propositions for marriage and sex.  i am very good looking, but these actions constantly surprise me. since i am currently in america which claims to be a christian nation, i thought you would restrict sex to childbearing purposes but i guess you just do what you want. you heathens.

anyway this means i need to instruct you on some things so you stop bugging me.

first no you cant get pregnant from vampire sex that is just crazy.  i am dead what makes you think i can produce a homunculus to impregnate you with.  even if i could what makes you think i would want to.

second not all vampire bites lead to you turning into a vampire. this would be ridiculous because it would mean we either have to kill our victims or turn them with no in between.  vampirism is not hydrophobia.

third yes i do have a big penis thank you very much and it works fine. no i dont need blood pressure to make it work. it is very very very big. shut the fuck up you haters.

fourth i am not sure how many vampires there are in the world but i do hate competition for food.  i have to do a quick census of earth before i decide if anyone else needs to be turned.

fifth in all caps i dont need viagra stop selling it to me end all caps.  i dont have money either so go away.

so there you are.  those are the rules of vampire sexuality as they differ from human sexuality.  if you have any more inane questions or want to sell me more penis pills ask me in emails or comments.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – Numerology

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

today is the 13th.  many suspect that 13 is the favorite number of evil creatures, but this isnt true.  well it might be for some but its not necessarily true for all of them.  my favorite number is infinity because thats limitless.

anyway numerology isnt all its cracked up to be.  ‘oh its three guess judeo christian god is behind this’ or ‘oh look 4 guess asians going to get all tripped up about death or something’ what a load of horse hockey let me tell you.

magic and technology are pretty interchangeable as im finding out now that ive reawoken but magic is still better.  if i were better at hacking i could use anyones credit card even jp morgan* because with a few goat fetuses and a spoon, magic can get me any prime number i want. that would give me lots of your blood which i need.

*HRR Gorman note: When he says J.P. Morgan, he really does mean the long-dead rich guy, and Vlad will probably never be able to hack your cards.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – already reaping some benefits

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i have found a couple willing blood donors here online.  i guess i appreciate that since i definitely need more blood if im ever to complete my dark ritual to cover the sun.

today however i wanted to talk to you about central heating.  i dont really like outside, so i didnt realize it wasnt warm outside hrr gorman’s house.  in lieu of rent i had to walk the dog the other day and in between bouts where the incorrigible little mutt wouldnt shut up or stop biting me i noticed that it was cold.

first off, some of you may assume the undead are immune to cold.  this is quite true up to a point since rotting flesh does not rot as fast in the cold.  i usually spend much less magic in the winter to keep my body active.

but with this central heating garbage ive had to keep churning through blood and magic to stay un-alive.  now i know how to close the vents and i stuffed rags under my bedroom door so not so much heat comes in.  i can open the window but then fresh air comes in and i dont like that so instead i just pout about how warm it is in here.

so yeah why did you humans have to invent so much terrible stuff while I was in my ensorceled crypt?  this is terrible.  christmas songs all december everywhere and central heating what will you think of next.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – new years resolution

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

new years resolutions are one of the things humans have invented since i last went to sleep in my ensorceled crypt.  you fail at these diet and exercise plans so readily, and i suspect that i will be able to capitalize upon your failures in order to gain more blood products for myself.

so here are my resolutions for the year of our lord 2019:

1 drink more blood
2 punish igor more harshly
3 figure out how to make all the emergency lights turn off
4 probably get a job because this blogging-for-blood thing mostly just gets me propositions for marriage

hope to hear from blood donors soon

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – i give up

dracula-1226357_640
i am new author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i had all these plans to complain about the birth of christ, but then someone sent me santa erotica in the emails.

i give up trying to ruin christmas for you all.  so have a great holiday and comment if you want to give me blood.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+.