#CountVlad – Numerology

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i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

today is the 13th.  many suspect that 13 is the favorite number of evil creatures, but this isnt true.  well it might be for some but its not necessarily true for all of them.  my favorite number is infinity because thats limitless.

anyway numerology isnt all its cracked up to be.  ‘oh its three guess judeo christian god is behind this’ or ‘oh look 4 guess asians going to get all tripped up about death or something’ what a load of horse hockey let me tell you.

magic and technology are pretty interchangeable as im finding out now that ive reawoken but magic is still better.  if i were better at hacking i could use anyones credit card even jp morgan* because with a few goat fetuses and a spoon, magic can get me any prime number i want. that would give me lots of your blood which i need.

*HRR Gorman note: When he says J.P. Morgan, he really does mean the long-dead rich guy, and Vlad will probably never be able to hack your cards.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

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#CountVlad – already reaping some benefits

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i have found a couple willing blood donors here online.  i guess i appreciate that since i definitely need more blood if im ever to complete my dark ritual to cover the sun.

today however i wanted to talk to you about central heating.  i dont really like outside, so i didnt realize it wasnt warm outside hrr gorman’s house.  in lieu of rent i had to walk the dog the other day and in between bouts where the incorrigible little mutt wouldnt shut up or stop biting me i noticed that it was cold.

first off, some of you may assume the undead are immune to cold.  this is quite true up to a point since rotting flesh does not rot as fast in the cold.  i usually spend much less magic in the winter to keep my body active.

but with this central heating garbage ive had to keep churning through blood and magic to stay un-alive.  now i know how to close the vents and i stuffed rags under my bedroom door so not so much heat comes in.  i can open the window but then fresh air comes in and i dont like that so instead i just pout about how warm it is in here.

so yeah why did you humans have to invent so much terrible stuff while I was in my ensorceled crypt?  this is terrible.  christmas songs all december everywhere and central heating what will you think of next.

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Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – new years resolution

dracula-1226357_640
i am guest author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

new years resolutions are one of the things humans have invented since i last went to sleep in my ensorceled crypt.  you fail at these diet and exercise plans so readily, and i suspect that i will be able to capitalize upon your failures in order to gain more blood products for myself.

so here are my resolutions for the year of our lord 2019:

1 drink more blood
2 punish igor more harshly
3 figure out how to make all the emergency lights turn off
4 probably get a job because this blogging-for-blood thing mostly just gets me propositions for marriage

hope to hear from blood donors soon

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Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – i give up

dracula-1226357_640
i am new author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i had all these plans to complain about the birth of christ, but then someone sent me santa erotica in the emails.

i give up trying to ruin christmas for you all.  so have a great holiday and comment if you want to give me blood.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – flying reindeer!?

dracula-1226357_640
i am new author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

i learned recently about this thing called santa and now i understand why you dont find me scary.

you humans decided youre ok with a costumed man breaking into your homes (even i have to be invited over a threshold!) and eating your food.  he watches your children while they sleep.  i may suck blood, but at least i dont suck the blood of children (i can make exceptions for teens) or watch them sleep you loony humans.  you make your mewling children sit on this santa’s lap.  isn’t that literally like handing them to a predator?  is this where the santa imprints upon the child such that it cannot escape?  gross.

last, reindeer cant fly.  ive tried to make undead reindeer fly, and trust me, its not worth the magic cost.  also, a red-nosed reindeer that shines a light is the most terrifying thing you could have come up with.  headlights on cars (i’ll get around to talk about cars later, maybe) are bad enough.

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Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – christmas music

dracula-1226357_640
i am new author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

recently i went on a trip to transylvania.  it is a lovely county, but not quite like the homeland. also, the trip was terrible because of an unexpected horror: christmas music on your mysterious ‘radio.’

i suppose i must be thankful that it’s no longer sung in latin, but you people listen to altogether too much christmas music.  i mean, some of those songs make me rankle, and not because it’s trying to send my soul back to satan.  you kids and your loud music – what’s wrong with your generation?  this garbage is on multiple stations and with multiple versions.  i cant be the only undead out there suffering.

so stop the music.  stop the carols.  if you’re not going to drive out witches with gregorian chants, there’s no point of your human mewing.

***

Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

#CountVlad – no escape

dracula-1226357_640
i am new author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

after that last blog post, i got a lot of weird things called ’emails.’  hrr gorman said this was normal, but i am horrified.  it seems there is no privacy in this new world.

first off, i was asking for your addresses, not the other way around.  i want to suck your blood, not let you suck other things of my nether regions.  was i not straightforward last week about being a literal vampire?  evidently not.

so here’s something about me: i want to drink your vital fluids.  i dont care much if you live that’s not my problem.  stop contacting me in search of sex.

I DO NOT SPARKLE YOU IMBECILES where are you getting this garbage from?  what lore tells you that i sparkle and, even if it were real lore, why would you like that?

anyway, advent is starting, and in this country there’s too many christmas things going on outside.  cant even go outside in the dark without getting a tan.  so leave me comments if you want to give me a seasonal/christmas donation of blood. i will drink it regardless of race, sex, gender, orientation, or even if you ate british beef in the early 90’s. remember, folks, the red cross discriminates, but vampires love everyone’s blood equally.

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Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+. 

Looking for Blood In All the Wrong Places

dracula-1226357_640
i am new author on h.r.r. gorman’s page – count vlad dracula tepes

recently, h.r.r. gorman wrote a story about me and how i was cracked out of my eternal prison.  igor, my little imp assistant, went behind my back and asked for help acquiring blood for his old master.   that’s how i got an account on this blog.

first off, i’m looking for some blood.  i hear that teenage girls like giving out free blood to vampires, and i can guarantee you i am the best.  look no further if you want to donate your blood to the grandest, most magically gifted vampire of all time.  you will be in the ranks of queens and the like (or kings since im pretty).

if you are also a vampire and know of great ways to acquire blood in this modern world, please let me know.  igor says the internet is best, but i don’t like this human activity of mashing buttons to make lights blink on and off in specific patterns.  it’s worse than books.

it takes so long to type with claws, so please respond in the comments if you’d like to donate to a good cause.

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Count Vlad Dracula Tepes was invited against H.R.R. Gorman’s best interest, but he swears that anti-vampire racism will one day come back to literally bite us all.  Not one to rock the boat, H.R.R. Gorman set Dracula up with this limited WordPress blogging account.   

Dracula doesn’t like typing, looking at computer screens, or garlic.  He enjoys dark sunsets, nights out on the town, and type O+.